Jessi Benwhoski

"Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) Monday, July 6th 2009: You have many interesting ideas about love today and you eagerly follow the connections in your mind from one pleasant thought to another. You are able to let your imagination take you on quite a ride, but sooner or later you remember that there is a difference between your daydreams and reality. Nevertheless, don't be in too much of a hurry to return to earth. As long as you are aware of what's happening, there's no harm in exploring your fantasies."

Huh. Weird.

I have decided to accept the Otakon table.

But I have also decided that preparations will be limited.
1.) I will be selling leftover prints from Tekko, and I will pay to have any additional prints made elsewhere. I won't be making any prints myself this year.
2.) Other merchandise will be leftovers from Tekko. If, and it's a big IF, I make any new merchandise, it will be stuff that can be made once I'm there. I'm going to be working crazy hours the next week and a half and I am not going to sacrifice sleep to cut out stickers.
3.) I will not be doing at-con commissions. This will make me feel less obligated to spend every waking moment of the con at my table. In order to enforce this for myself, I am going to take limited art supplies with me. Probably just a sketchbook and some ink pens (because it's not like I can go a whole weekend without doodling).

I just know that if I don't take the table, I'll probably spend the entire weekend wishing I had a table. Especially since I couldn't come up with anything good to put in the art show.

But I ask that if anyone catches me stressing about table preparations, they use any means necessary to distract me.

I'm still torn over whether to take an Otakon table or just take a vacation again. I know that I probably should take the vacation, especially since my boss is having surgery Monday, which means 1.) After today I'm only getting one more day off before i leave for Baltimore, and 2.) I'm officially in charge until she comes back. I'm probably going to be exhausted and stressed by the time I leave and will probably need the relaxation.

On the other hand, I generally really enjoy having a table. It kind of gives me a feeling of purpose at cons to have a table. Also, I think it gives me a way of interacting with people without triggering my social anxieties as much. It's probably a control thing. At my table, I make the rules, I set it up just the way I want, and it's all about the artwork. It's business. I'm very good at interacting with people on a business level. I'm not so good at just being sociable. I realize this is probably not even slightly healthy, but in a way it works. Not to mention that it could offset some of the convention costs, and would probably actually prevent me from spending insane amounts of money like I did last year (having a table gives me something to do other than spend money).

The big problem is preparation time. If I could trust myself to only sell prints, pay to have the prints made instead of making them myself, and only sell other merchandise left over from Tekko, I could probably do this without losing my mind. Of course, I know myself and I have a compulsion to go all out on this kind of thing. I'll have the prints all together, and I'll say "Well... I can probably make up a few more bookmarks just to even out the set..." and before I know it, I'll be cutting out stickers, laminating bookmarks, and trying to order special temporary tattoo paper and paying for overnight shipping, and otherwise stressing and not sleeping.

The good news there is that infinitywulf has promised to help with such preparations once we meet up in Baltimore, to help with the table, and to make sure that I do things like get sleep and take breaks and generally hold onto my last shreds of sanity if I decide to take the table.

As you can probably tell, I know I actually do want the table. I'm just concerned that I'll stress myself out to the point of making myself sick, and I'm not going to get a recoup day after Otakon because I'm taking the weekend after for Blogathon.

I'd probably feel better about not having a table if I even had anything new worth putting into the art show this year.

So, yeah. That's where I stand right now.

I just got an email from Otakon Alley staff saying that tables have opened up, and as I was on the waiting list, I could reserve one. I have until the 7th to decide.

On the one hand, I really do enjoy selling my artwork at cons. And it would make me feel less financially guilty for going if I were going to make some money while there. On the other hand there's only about two weeks before I leave for the con, and since my boss is having surgery next week I'll be working most of it straight through. I'll be off for the fourth of July, but I expect to only have one day off between then and Otakon. I have a good amount of stuff left over from Tekkoshocon. It's the preparation time that I'm worried about.

I know I said weeks ago that since I didn't hear anything by that point that I was just not going to accept a table and just treat Otakon as a vacation, but now I kind of want the table, but suspect I'd drive myself completely insane getting ready for it.

Very torn.

• I'm honestly a little surprised by the reactions to Michael Jackson's death. I mean, I liked a fair amount of his music and all. I do think there was something very wrong going on with him and his child playmates, and found his constant face reconstructions unsettling, but I didn't really hate the man. There are people in the world far more deserving of my hate than Michael Jackson. But that said, I'm still surprised by the reactions. I guess I just didn't realize anyone really cared about Michael Jackson anymore. Who knew?
  
• Still not nearly as confusing as the reactions to Anna Nicole's death.
  
• Work today was not as hellish as it was the previous two days, although I still have a lot of catching up to do on the work that didn't get done the previous two days because I spent them stomping out fires.
  
• Non-stop weird dreams lately. Has made for a lot of poor sleep. They aren't necessarily bad dreams... just kind of bizarre. For example, in the most recent one groen got hired at the Monroeville Goodwill store as an assistant manager, where I was filling in and helping to train him because most of the crew was out sick due to a zombie virus epidemic ("I can't come to work today. I'm undead.").
  
• Finally found the source of the last annoying problem I was having with my laptop. I finally managed to narrow it down until I found that it only happened when using web browsers, and then discovered that Vista has some annoying browser "add-ons" that make the computer think really hard about nothing, not unlike the Heart of Gold becoming unresponsive while addressing a simple task, except I would have tolerated it if I got a good cup of tea out of it.
  
• This coming week, because of the holiday, I get an extra day off. The following week, however, my boss is having surgery, so I will have a minimum of a 6-day week. During two of my three days off, I will be doing some major cleaning as it will be my last chance to much of anything productive for a few weeks (first my week-of-unending-overtime, then Otakon, then Blogathon) and I want to have a pleasant living space during Blogathon.
  
• I think I'm going to sell off most of my DVD collection. With services like Netflix, Hulu, and the like, there's really no reason for me to own more than a handful of these. I only have this many because buying them is a compulsion. Same goes for books. anything I'm not going to re-read has to go. Might post a list here to see if anyone is interested before taking the whole lot of it to Half Price Books or somesuch place.
  
• Been playing Spore again. I think I'm going to have to get the new Galactic Adventures expansion. If only to play with the "Adventure Creator" tool :D
  
• It makes me entirely too happy to see Centralia, PA featured on "Life After People". I want to visit Centralia so bad, but I fear it would kill me. Stupid finicky lungs.
  
• Art blocked, and really ticked off about it. I'd really like to have something new to stick in the Otakon art show. I think I'm stuck in "I'm not a real artist! I suck and am a fraud!" mode right now. I have ideas, but hate everything I put down on paper.
  
• I generally have a bias against live-action adaptations of anime, but I have to say that this one looks like it might be worth seeing.
  
• Keaneu Reeves as Spike Spiegel still hurts me.
  
• Need to kick myself in the butt and start hitting the gym again. I'm not actually gaining any weight right now, but I'm getting flabby again. I'm at peace with being a big gal, but I don't like being flabby.
  
• On a lighter note: Three weeks till Otakon!!! VACATION TIME! And I totally prodded infinitywulf into attending too. Really had to twist his arm, y'know. ;)
  

Alycia: *with CNN.com up on her computer, its main story being Michael Jackson* Did you hear about this yet?
Me: Yeah. Heard about it at work. *looking at the unfortunate photo CNN.com chose to use* Are they sure it was a heart attack and not terminal face failure?
Alycia: *laughs very hard and very loudly* Too soon, Jessi. Too soon!
Me: Bullshit. You laughed.
Alycia: Yeah, but I'm going to Hell for it.

Yeah. I know. I'm a terrible person.

EDIT: For what it's worth, when the radio station at work played "Thriller" just after the news broke, I did do the appropriate zombie dance in tribute. I'm not a completely terrible person. Just mostly.

I've been following the events in Iran pretty obsessively. I'll admit to my own shame, far more closely than I usually follow current events (what with my intense hatred of most mass news media). I've also read a lot of the various opinions regarding the events have had to say. I've seen arguments supporting the claim that the election was rigged. I've seen arguments that Ahmadinejad won fair and square, the arguments that Ahmadinejad and Moussavi are pretty much the same, or that it doesn't really matter because the Supreme Leader is still in charge either way. I'm not going to pretend I know enough about Iran's government, culture, and politics to have an informed opinion either way on those specific details.

One thing seems clear to me, though. There appears to be a significant number of Iranians who feel they were wronged here. And for all the discussions about whether there is a difference between the candidates, it certainly matters to them, and their government appears violently insistent on trying to shut them up. I think it's fairly well known that I am fiercely anti-censorship. While I admit I draw the line at active threats or promotion of violence, no government should be given the power to control the flow of opinions or ideas. If a government is taking drastic action to prevent its people from questioning or criticizing it, then I side with the protesters. Simple as that.

In my dreams, I am almost always capable of flying and great feats of telekinesis. In fact, this is such a standard part of my dreams that I often forget that I am not capable of this in waking life. At work the other day, I need to get some supplies that were blocked in a corner of the back room by large bins of donations which weren't there the last time I used said supplies. I tried to make them levitate over to me, and it took far longer than it should have for me to go "Oh yeah, that doesn't work here."

Also, I still believe in unicorns. So there.

Y'know. If the "Twilight" movie had been more like this, I might have actually made it through the whole first hour.

[01:11] MrPinkEyes87: its raining lots at the rugby game on tv
[01:12] lostangles: Hm.
[01:12] lostangles: How is it affecting the game?
[01:12] lostangles: *knows nothing about rugby*
[01:12] MrPinkEyes87: well it hasn't started yet, but it usually means players have trouble holding onto the ball
[01:12] MrPinkEyes87: so it all gets a bit messy
[01:12] lostangles: Ah.
[01:13] lostangles: Messy games are fun.
[01:13] MrPinkEyes87: i cant tell if you're being dirty or not
[01:14] lostangles: ...
[01:14] lostangles: me either.
[01:14] MrPinkEyes87: thats a worry then

I've decided to do Blogathon 2009, and I've confirmed with my boss that it won't be a problem to take two weekends off in a row (Blogathon will be July 25th-26th, the weekend following Otakon). As a promised belated birthday gift to pat_rieger I'll be blogging for the National Multiple Sclerosis Society.

This year I'm considering making a separate LJ account for participating in Blogathon for the following reasons:

1.) I'd feel much less weird about giving out the URL to people I work with and such than giving out my personal LJ URL(even though I largely friend-lock most entries that could get me in any real trouble).
2.) I won't be post-spamming everyone's friends pages as much this way. Those interested in following my Blogathon antics could friend the blogathon account. Those uninterested need not be bothered.

I'm also considering themes again. Last time I did the Review-A-Thon, it helped to have a theme even if I only did reviews for every other entry. Right now I'm considering the following potential themes:

• Otakon-In-Review: I've considered that since Otakon and Blogathon are only a week apart, that I could get my entry-fodder from the convention. I could write in-detail about thigns going on. Post con photos and stories to go along with them. That kind of thing. Maybe I could interview LARPers or something. I've also considered that this might bore a lot of potential readers to tears.
  
• Reivew-A-Thon Again: I haven't been writing many reviews lately, but my biggest problem with doing the Review-A-Thon last time was that I really didn't have much current stuff to review. I don't see that as likely to change this year.
  
• Anonymous Questions: If I can collect 48 good anonymous questions to answer, that could be good entry fodder.
  
• Quick Sketches: I could do a quick sketch and post it every 30 minutes. Although this could be interesting, I fear I could run out of steam on this one really fast.
  
• Complete Randomness: You've seen where leaving me to my own devices while highly caffeinated and highly sleep-deprived leads before. Remember the "singing Janis Joplin songs while brushing my teeth" .wav files? ... yeah... are we sure we want to go down that road again?

I thought about doing polls for this but I don't have the attention span for setting it up right now. So, just comment if you have any opinions on this :)

stuntviolist had been letting imafern's daughter Lauren play with her new DSi, which Lauren seemed to be enjoying greatly.

Alycia: Sorry, Mike. I seem to have created a monster.
Mike: No. You're just broadening the monster's horizons.

Probably helps that I really dislike this song.

Been seeing this pop up on my friends list lately, and I figured it's been a few years since I did this.

Leave me an anonymous comment pouring your heart out. Say anything. Tell me your stories, your secrets, those things no one ever asks but you wish to tell. Tell me about your love, your hate, your indifference, your joy. Tell me about what's inside of you when you're reading through these entries on your friends list, and tell me why you continue to come back here. Tell me anything. Tell me what you really think of me or yourself. Anything.

And now I will sleep. Or try to, given that my breathing just now decided to get iffy on me again. My lungs are stupid.

"Well, if I'm going to screw someone, it might as well be myself."

I'd ask if my dreams could get any weirder this week, but that seems like it would be tempting fate.

I woke up feeling sorry for myself today. I can't pinpoint any particular reason for it. Nothing really happened to me to trigger it. I just woke up in a very "oh woe is me, I'm so alone, and bored, and useless, and meaningless, and why should I bother getting out of bed, and nobody likes me everybody hates me think I'll go eat worms and cyanide" kind of mood.

Then, again for no particular reason and with no apparent trigger I thought "screw that noise".

( Short version: I got up, got prettied up, got free video games, and treated myself to tasty not-coffee - click for long version )

Shortly, I will go back inside and cook something delicious for myself. I wonder if I'm feeling adventurous enough to see what I can do with those frozen salmon filets I've been hoarding. Afterwards, I'll do a little cleaning, laundry, and get back to enjoying the pile of books I got with my Barnes and Noble gift card yesterday. Or maybe draw something. Or maybe play one of my new games. Or maybe work more on scripting RoC. THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS!

Good thing to remember in the future: Sometimes it takes remarkably little to fight off the "woe is me" feelings. :)

Dear Self,

I know you love awful pop music. Especially awful dance-pop music, and that's okay. But let's face it, you have to draw the line somewhere and some awful dance-pop music is too terrible even for you. This song is an example of this. Have some dignity and stop singing along with it, okay?

Love,
Self

Ha! These chicks are awesomely funny! I want to be just like them when I grow up! :D

(language potentially NSFW)

I'm waitlisted for a table at Otakon. First time for everything, I guess.

A couple nights ago I started reading Girl Genius from the beginning.

OMG! WHY DIDN'T SOMEONE TELL ME THIS COMIC WAS SO AWESOME!?*

I'm only up to June of 2007, but I am looooooving it!

Also, I really ought to own this dress. I want it. Now.

* Everyone who told me how awesome it was excluded.

Getting calmer now.

I went out to pick up something to eat for my mother and me. Went to the McDonalds at Norwin Towne Square. Got our sandwiches, some fries, and a caramel sundae for my mother. I figured "hm. rough day. I deserve an Oreo McFlurry". I order, get my total, I go around to the window and hand the cashier the debit card. It won't go through. I feel silly doing it, but I'm already there, have already ordered and don't have cash. I hand the cashier my american express, thinking maybe it's just a problem with S&T Bank. No dice. It's their system. Won't take cards. So, I leave and drive to my bank to withdraw cash. Drive to the Big Mac Museum, since it is now closer to me. I make the same order, get my total, I go around to the window. Suddenly I realize that they were charging me more than the other McDonalds for the same order. That doesn't seem right.

When the cashier hands me my receipt I see that I have been charged for two Oreo McFlurries. I point it out to the cashier, and she apologizes and gets my refund. She then asks "Do you want the other McFlurry anyway? We're just going to throw it out."

EXTRA ICE CREAM WIN!

Now I'm eating my ice cream and watching Highlander. I feel much less like beating people now.

Might beat up or shoot things in video games later anyway, though. Or maybe I'll have a bubble bath and a glass of jack & cranberry.

For a few months now, I've been almost obsessed with astronomy. It's always been one of my interests. I've never been good with math (understand the concepts, numbers hate me. Calculators don't help) so I never could have been an astronomer, but I still just think the whole universe is just the most completely awesome, wonderfully weird huge awesome thing ever. Then again, I guess it would kind of have to be.

Anywho, although it's a consistent interest, I've been really focused on it lately. I think it is in part because there are certain areas of my life in which I am stressed and and astronomy gives me exactly the sort of perspective I need to keep from completely losing my mind. Seriously. Best way for me to calm myself down from mounting rage? Deep breath, close my eyes, remind myself that I'm just one tiny little primate on a spinning lump of rock and water, circling a star... trying the best I can to just imagine the rotations and orbits, letting my mind's eye pan out continuously. I find it very hard not to feel peaceful when i think about it. I've had friends tell me this is really weird, but it works for me.

It also makes me wonder about all of the science vs. religion debates out there. I can never figure out why there are people out there who feel the two have to be at odds. In my case, I find that the more I learn, and the more huge, weird, and complex the universe becomes to me, the more it reinforces my belief in a higher power. Nor do I understand spending so much time fussing over an afterlife when there's so much awesome craziness to explore, learn, and admire in this life? I mean, this life for all of its faults is still really insanely impressive. In some ways, I think the scientists of the world(regardless of their spiritual beliefs) are probably some of the purest appreciators of God's work. They devote their lives to trying to unravel the mysteries of the universe and figure out how it all works. They don't try to pretend big parts of it don't exist.

I'm rambling. But still... existence is pretty freakin' cool. Why are we not falling to our knees in awe over how awesome and beautiful it is more often?

Edit: Only thing about astronomy that makes me said is that I'll never get to see the awesome stuff out there first-hand.

I know I slept really poorly the other night, but I wonder if something else was up with me too. I must have slept something like 17 hours between when I came home from work yesterday to, well, almost time to go to work today. I remember waking up briefly to use the bathroom and fire up my laptop, and then drifting in and out of sleep for a bit before zonking completely again.

Woke up today ravenously hungry, not entirely sure what day it was, and wondering why I had the phone in my hand in bed. After being awake for a bit, my brain started functioning again and I at least remember who I talked to and vaugely what it was about. I hope I was, y'know, coherent and polite. Also glad I remembered it was Tuesday and not Wednesday, because otherwise I'd have failed to go to work.

I must have needed the sleep. I feel great now. But always kind of unsettling to lose almost a whole day. The dreams were really... interesting too.

Off to work now.